From the accumulation of many US tours with Hour of the Wolf, entailing many WAL-MART pit stops, the following stories are true life events that I have been witness to or involved in throughout the various WAL-MARTS of America. I plan on this being a continuous post for this blog and will be adding stories as I recall them. I have so many that it will take a while to write them out, so here are just a few for starters. I don't know if people will enjoy these stories, but they have brought me much amusment over the years. Enjoy.
WAL-MATH -Colorado, near Durango (I think)
One man
Plus
One woman
Plus
One shopping cart
Plus
Five items in cart
Plus
Checkout line
Equals
A conversation that would leave mathematicians the world over
scratching at their heads.
Let's see if you can wrap your head around this!
Woman says to man,
"Let's use the twenty items or less line."
Man replies to woman, as if she's stupid,
"We can't! We got too many items! The cola is a twenty-four pack and the paper towels is twelve!"
As if enlightened and embarrassed all at once, the woman laughs and says,
"Ohh!Never mind. I'm such a ditz."
"Haha! Brain-Fart babe!", her proud man implies.
The couple shifts from the twenty items or less line to the longer, normal checkout, five items and all.
WAL-MAMMALS -Somewhere in Texas
Night.
A bat has found itself trapped within the 24/7 fluorescent prison sky of WAL-MART. Frantically gliding through the steel support beams, lights, cameras, and air ducts that make up the WAL-MOSPHERE, it is clear that the creature is lost. Every few minutes the flying mammal dives low, disappearing into isles that come alive with shrieks followed by laughter. One stop shoppers scatter from its kamikaze like bombardment.
It made me sad. I thought about its struggle, the confusion it must feel. This strange environment it has found. Then I started to think about it's fellow mammals that are shopping below. I think about the effects that WAL-MART has on them /(Myself Included). I started to wonder if the human race was as intelligent as it thinks it is.
Look at us. All wondering through this simulated jungle, this simulated hunting ground. Only the work has already been done for us. We don't have to worry about finding or catching our food. We don't even have to kill it. It's all there, portioned, packaged, dead and pretty. It doesn't stop at food. This modern day watering hole comes equipped with useful and useless shit galore. A real ONE-STOP-SURVIVAL-SHOP with the lowest of the low prices! All thanks to the big yellow smiley face in the sky.
I started thinking about human evolution as I approached the checkout line. Standing upright! Frontal lobe!! Opposable thumbs!!! How you gonna hand out yer smiley face sticker, in yer friendly blue vest, without thumbs? Just then, the bat dove from above, headed for my frontal lobe! Or at least that's what the primitive parts of my brain told me as they took over my body with a ducking like instinct. The bat didn't even come close, but it was enough to give my blood a quick rush. I'll admit, it spawned a cheap thrill in myself and the surrounding shoppers.
As I moved forward in checkout, I would have continued questioning the so called "intelligence" of our species, but I had no need. For the WAL-GODS answered for me in a numbingly stupid voice that killed brain cells in all who were within hearing rang. Standing two people back in line was some sort of Neanderthalish, missing link, wearing a Tap-Out shirt and a Monster Energy Drink hat. His attention at the moment was directed towards the bat, and in one sentence, he put all of the human race in their place.
Speaking to his monkey buddy, dressed in an attire with a likeness to his own, He pointed at the bat and from his mouth came,
"Huh, Stupid Bird! Dude, look how dumb that bird is!"
I don't remember what they said after that (being that my mind had just been blown), but they both laughed and decided to get out of line to follow the "stupid bird"/bat further back into the store. I took one last glance at the creature and his friend, as they lurched away like the big foot in the famous Patterson video. Forever lost in the wild of WAL-MART. Forever a legend in my mind. All I could think of was that I had no proof. If only I had a camera or a voice recorder. It scares me to think about. That guy might be, or one day may be a father.
I then purchased my can of cheesy ravioli and bottle of Gatorade, deciding to give up on "thinking" and vowing to never try to use my brain again. I still wonder to this day if the bat ever made it out of the WAL-MART. LORD KNOWS A PART OF ME NEVER DID.
If you have any wild 'n crazy WAL-MART stories that you would like to share, please do in the comments below this post. Thanks. Have a nice day!
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